7 posts tagged “relationships”

As you can probably tell from that last, ever so brief entry, it's been hectic. I'll be flying home tomorrow evening at five fifteen (CST) and getting home probably sometime around seven thirty (MST). I find that I am in a rather 'in-between' sort of mood. To do the situation justice, I'll try to write everything out as well as I can. Well... there are something items that I prefer to keep to a more private form of expression but I'll try not to leave out anything that will make you go 'what was that?' This may or may not be in order. You all know how my mind works now so I'm sure you'll catch on.

My first day here was great. Hell, it was the most... active first hour of any trip I've ever had. It was wonderful! Upon seeing him, I thought my heart would jump from my chest and race me. I still feel like that when I look at him. We spoke over lunch at Chipolte. That night we were going to go see Johnny Lloyd Rollins but the show was cancelled. So we went and met with his friend instead. Had a great time.

Oops, just got distracted. I just saw a new photo of my pretty little nieces posted over at MySpace and had to leave a comment for my brother.

Now... this is where my days get almost blury. We spent most of our time at thye hotel, just spending time with each other. Wednesday we had lunch with Ed. Thursday we had lunch with his primary (yes, I'm still witholding her name because I don't know if she'd be comfortable with me using it or another for her). That night he had work.

Now, I admit... that night I was thrown off a bit. I'm at a loss as to what to do around his primary. I'm not exactly a people-person but I'm pretty good at meeting new people and finding common ground. However... she's not very - oh how do I say this? - good at meeting new people it seems. This is merely a summation from my meeting her and what I've gathered friom Free. Regardless, I thought it went well as did he. However it appeared from an email she made later to him that she didn't feel the same way. Or it could be that she was just having an off day. I was really at a loss as to what to do and I still am, really. This really threw me off. I can't say it was unexpected however. That doesn't mean I wish it hadn't though.

Anyway, that night I made a lovely dinner at the hotel. Steak and shrimp in an apricot sauce, a salad with clementines, pine nuts and dried cranbrries. Mmmm, tasty. I do wish I had an oven but I was able to make-do with the stove top. The next night, as he had to work that night as well, I made raviolli in a sauce, tomato soup and another salad. I'll have to start playing salads more when I get back to New Mexico. It'd really spice up dinners to have something a little different every now and again.

Friday was quiet, having lunch with Ed and keeping mostly to ourselves. Saturday we had yet another quiet day and lunch with Ed. That night we went to a bar Free's mother frequents and had fun at their weekly karaoke. And yes, I got up and sang. In fact, I sang four times. Lemme see if I can remember what I sang. God Bless the Child... Hero... Honey I'm Home and Angel. Oh! And a brief duet of sorts with Free and I was pulled up to sing a song with all the other women present. I had a wonderful time! And while Free said I was meeting his mother while she was in a great mood, she came across as a really lovely lady. It was great to meet her. The only bad part was the fact that we stank of smoke for the rest of the night. That night we continued to stay up and we watched the following days sunrise together. It was utterly magnificent. We got to bed around eight Sunday morning.

Sunday... we slept until four in the afternoon. We then got together with Jess. She stayed until about midnight. I admit, I was growing a bit weary of company. My reaction wasn't the best but it wasn't as bad as all that. As he kept insisting that she should stay, I wasn't very pleased. And... well... this is where I admit, to my shame, a certain comfort level. I consider intimacies, making out and the like... well... personal. Or at least something kept to all those involved. It's not just relationship related. I just get annoyed with overdone displays of affection infront of others. So, wanting to get some air and think my way through my discomfort, I took the garbage down to the bins on the ground level and then went to go sit on the benches that were upon the grass not far from the room.

They came and found me after a few minutes. We said our goodbyes, I hugged Jess and Free and I spend the rest of the night talking about what had happened and comfort levels. Oh and a side note...

I get along quite well with Jess. I enjoy her company; she's a nut. I really wish that his primary felt that comfortable with me because I feel that we have the potential to have some great conversations and possibly share some good humor. But, I just don't know what to do about that because I just don't get that same vibe from her.

Monday... we had a quiet day and spent the majority of it between the hotel and Eds. That night we had something of a fight/argument - our very first - but we talked it through. I don't expect to see eye to eye on everything; that would drive me mad. But as much as we both pride ourselves on communication, we're not perfect and we can't always say the right thing. That's part of the human condition.

Tuesday. We were off. We'd only slept five hours. He was grumping and snapping a bit (well, a little more than a bit); a mixture of not feeling well and disliking my leaving. I will say I was a little irked. I didn't want my last memories of this trip to be bad. Standing in the garage, we spoke and I gave voice to my feelings. We spoke a bit about it. Mid-talk, we got a reprieve. My flight was cancelled. So, on our way to get lunch, I called American Airlines. After being on perma-hold for god knows how long, I finally got a new flight for the following morning. This, however, led to complications. His primary was none too pleased. They'd been planning on spending that night together.

We talked some more and agreed to enjoy ourselves and use this extra night as something of a second chance. That is... until there was more bad news. My second flight was cancelled as well. Also due to weather. This was about midnight (CST) and he was on the phone with his primary and I could tell by the tone of the conversation that she was upset about what this may mean. It only got worse. I called American and and the only flight they could get me on had a nine fifteen depature time. Nine fifteen Thursday night.

I instantly started looking up what I could do to get tickets through another airline. This led to a bit of upset and more talking. Though uncomfortable with causing more problems, I gave in, booked the tickets that American offered.

So... today. Wednesday. I will say now that a lot of what happened today will be staying off the blog. It was not pretty and the air is still heavy-laden with discomfort and hurt feelings and probably a bit of anger.

He went to go have lunch with his primary and left me off at Borders.On the way, Free asked me something that... well... maybe part of me feels that his primary should have at least tried to talk to me about it as well. She asked him to leave me at the airport two hours earlier than my flight. I was rather taken aback, feeling this was almost an about-face to our plan to enjoy the extra time together to it's fullest. Rather hurt but wanting to mull everything over before saying anything, I remained quiet as he dropped me off.

At Borders I spent... waaaay too much money. Something over one hundred dollars. Oops. I hate to say it but that may have been part of a mania showing. Oh well. I got a few books (How to Hepburn, Sexy Witch, and a CSS pocket guide), a wood-bound journal and even something for Free (yes, even angry, I thought to get him something). I spent the remaining time reading and listening to music on my player.

The drive back... was not pretty. I even thought about calling a cab and staying a hotel close to the airport for the remaining night. I was so angry that I completely shut down. I'll leave it at that. We spoke and while things aren't exactly warm and fuzzy, we'll be okay.

So, here I am. I'm sitting at Eds while Free is at work. I was able to get rescheduled for an earlier flight so it took care of the problem. I rather wish that I'd been able to do that before being put in the position I felt that I'd been put in of either being angry and hurt and crying in the airport alone or sitting and watching him be upset because his primary would be upset. Neither was a good option to me. And though there is an 's-word' that comes to mind, it'd be mean to say it. And even I, in all my tactless glory, know better.

Anyway. I've checked my mail, the forum, and everthing else that I don't need my bookmarks for. I'm going to go sit and write and read a bit. So, good night kids. Everyone be good while I'm away.

Anathema

I've never been very good at writing the details of the day have I? I tend to focus on the details of the mind more. Something about that seems painfully simple yet a thousand times more complex.

What did I do with Free while visiting? A saw a beautiful concert and heard music that made my soul ache. I heard a voice that makes every part of me dance like chimes in the wind. I love that voice (and of course the person to whom it belongs) and probably always will. I saw Rocky Horror and got ratted out as a virgin. I thanked everything I ever knew that I wasn't chosen for the virgin games. I went to a club that was dead but had a time like nothing else, knowing that for once, I was beautiful. I met his friends and saw how well he was loved and smiled at it. I met his primary and though fear masked us, I felt good about meeting her. I met the third over Indian food and felt much more at ease. I traveled down roads that I've never seen but long to see again. I made love to a man whom I treasure and for once am smart enough to show it. I faced a monster or two and came out from under the bed with a smile, triumphant for all my sweat. I felt like a puppet supported by a single string up my spine, my arms out stretched, walking upon an endless tightrope. And while I still feel like that, I smile, sing a song and walk it without fear of falling. The next step is to dance.

So, now I am home. I faced the last big monster. And while I had tears in my eyes, I know I have done the right thing. I made mistakes with Quin. I cannot regret them because those mistakes have led me to where I am and I love where I am. The only thing I regret is cowing down to my own fear. This is not to say that I am not sorry for what I have done have done and I will, truly, remain so. But please do not confuse remorse with regret. Regretting something means that with knowledge of where I am now, I would go back and change it. I must be honest. I would not. Because I am happy. And if I am happy now in being poly, that only means that in the future, had I chosen to remain monogamous I would have ended up miserable and would have, in the process, made him miserable as well. It's a balance, like everything else in my life.

He said that he was hurt that I chose another man over him and because of that (and other things) he could never be with me. I agreed but said I had not chosen another over him. After speaking with Free this morning, I came to understand that I had chosen another man over him in essence. Because as it is, I could be monogamous and possibly have another chance with him. Who knows, I could have married him. I have indeed chosen but it wasn't so simple. I chose a lifestyle and a man (I'd say more but right now there aren't any others right now) over monogamy with Quin. Why? Because I love Free. And I love my life. I would not change any of that for all the world. Shakespeare may have said it best: 'This above all else, to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.' I am being true to myself and in doing so I am being true to everyone else. I would not, could not, will not walk away from what I have and what I am. In the end it is the price of one choice over another. I will always love Quin. Maybe in time it will lessen but it will never go away. But it doesn't pain me any more. And maybe that's because now I have hopes that he'll be okay and that he'll move on and find happiness. I want those I love to be happy, even if I can't be the one to make them so.

I suddenly feel as though I've become my favorite literary heroine. And while part of me thinks that should scare me, it doesn't. All I'm missing are the guns. The details of what the characters are exactly... well... that's immaterial. I have to wonder... is this my Micah? Because Quin sure as hell feels like Richard.

I need to go to bed. I don't work tomorrow but I probably should sleep. I took my last bit of antibiotics and I will be grateful when this is all over. It's taken a toll via a yeast infection that's now gone but has left me... well... that's probably too much information. And the shot I got in ER, the antibiotics... left one hell of a bruise on my ass. So off I go to read and drink some tea. Good night kids!

Anathema

So much I want to say but I'm pretty damn sick right now. I will fill you all in on the trip after I get the sleep I sorely need. But some quick notes. I'm going to start with the good stuff.

I had a wonderful time with Free. It went better than I could have ever imagined it going. I'm still processing the results of it all so I will be giving myself the weekend to get better and too chew everything over.

I had a screaming ear ache. It was so bad I went to Espanola ER around two in the morning Friday. Part of me wants to write about that because not only was it bloody scary but I had an epiphany of sorts while curled on my side, crying from the stuff they put into my ear.

Went to the docs today. I have strep. Again. The medicine they gave me in the ER, however good the experience, had been making me throw up all morning. It was embarrassing like nothing else. There are two things I hate to do in public, be ill and cry. In the past couple days I've managed to do both. Thankfully most of the tears were related to the trip... in a good way!

My voice is pretty much gone. I can't keep myself as hydrated as I want and since it hurts to talk, I'm just not going to. Which is horrid because that means I can't talk to Free. Mrph.

I've got lots of emails to catch up to. One of which is from Quin. If you're reading this, I will email you. There's a lot you need to know. And I need to stop being so afraid.

Goodnight/morning kids!
Anathema

Before I leave I should post this because it made me giggle... well.. internally. It was from the first, the day I left Texas:

"SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 22): You may be receiving recognition for a job well done, but you are so wrapped up in your emotional world that you may not realize how much others value you. You are a tough sell with respect to self-worth, and now you are questioning yourself in ways that reach toward the bottom of your soul. Don't climb so deep into your own well that you cannot see the light that shines from above." Do I see that light? I think, for once, that I do. And I've been smiling so much from the vision that my jaws ache.

(x-posted)

I walked off the edge of the known world. I stepped onto an uncharted area of the map with unsure feet, flashing my light into the darknessas far as it could reach. What I was looking for, I'm not sure and I'm even more unsure as to if I  have found it as of yet. Perhaps I have. It's been amazing, it's been nothing and everything that I expected.

It's been wonderful here, so much so that I don't even want to think about Thursday. So let's not. I watched him walk towards me as I stood waiting at Love Field. He smiled though it was obviously unsure. As though he was still wondering, "is this real?" Before the day was out, however, I found that we were at ease with each other. I have found an ease with him that I have not experianced in a long time and it does my heart good. I've never felt myself wanting to wrap myself around some one so quickly. Besides Quinn. I admit that I am glad that the distance is much, much, much more bearable. Yet... yet... it unnerves me.

For him I have changed the shape of my heart. It's taken some adjusting but anything worth doing isn't going to be easy. I have not regretted it one bit. He has brought out the best in me on all counts and that's fantastic. He's made me smile so much that my jaws ache.

It dawned on me last night as we stood in the bath room, his arms around me, asking me what I saw in the mirror... what I saw was trust. The kind with no limits. The kind where I know that I am safe with him, no matter what. That he will never hurt me. I have not fully trusted anyone since Z. And part of me is unsure of what to do. It's like learning how to ride a bike all over again. In truth, it's a little scary. Oh hell, let's not mince words... it terrifies me.

So here I am, a piece of my heart in my hands. What next? I knew I adored him long before I stepped upon the plane. So... it this love coming back around to torture me anew? And if it's not... why I am I so scared? Why is my heart in my throat? Why do melt when he looks at me? I'm a smart girl; this is not lust.

I could quote a million lines that explain how I feel but perhaps I should direct you to the source itself. The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

Anathema

It's not often that one has their past served to them on a silver platter. And yet mine has been so served not only once but twice this year. It's most interesting to think about and yet my stomach has been lurching hideously as I ponder this latest occurrence. Perhaps I am truly once bitten twice shy about rehashing my past. And that's simply unfair. One cannot base their thoughts of one person upon their experiences with another. Yes, yes, I realize that life is not fair and that we all make assumptions using our past as a sounding board of sorts but being aware of such behavior, we should be willing to work with it and change it. But I digress.

We all know what happened with Korvin, the first instance. Just thinking about the bastard makes my tongue almost blister with the instantaneous bitterness. Yet. Shit happens and one must let it go if one is to get anywhere in life. We cannot hold onto such feelings and expect to move forward. Yes. He's a bastard but that's his problem and not mine. So, onward.

Ronan. At least that's what he'll be known as here. Humorously enough I met him, back in June, the same way I met Free, Paxton and Daemon. OKC. I had a wonderful time. But there were problems and, for once, it really wasn't me. He was some one that I could have developed quite an attachment to. But it was severed late one night the following month when I went to see him. I won't go into details. Suffice to say the next morning proved to be a hard drive home, upset and deciding that it would be in my best interest to simply not see him again. I called, left a message stating as much and let it go. At least as much as one can. We spoke briefly a day later and it left me just as cold as I had been that previous morning.

On the tenth of this month I dropped an IM his way and wished him luck with a problem he's having. We continued talking, however slow the conversation. Since then various comments have surfaced regarding the brief interlude. I find myself torn. While I want to see him again and talk and see what happens. I'm also painfully hesitant. Yet. I'll never know if do not try. I shall just have to wait and see what happens.

I do have other things to talk about but I'm tired. I'm going to say hi to Ronan and then head to bed. I've got tomorrow off so anyone with my number is more than welcome to give me a shout. G'night kids! And Free, I hope you had a good time at the Fetish Ball!

Anathema

BTW - Paxton... are you alive mister man? Yooohoooo.....

Pick five random objects from your bedroom or house that look unsuspecting to strangers, yet hold memories for you be they good, bad or indifferent. Share! And remember to pass this along. (And no, images are not required!)

One: The red cut velvet pillow upon my bed. I got it when a fellow Scorpio whom I happened to be dating said that I was a fucked up Scorpio for not owning nor wearing anything red. I had a great time with said Scorpio until he dropped off the face of the planet. The pillow remains on my bed. It's the only red thing I own aside from a now missing red tank top. I've just never been a red-loving Scorpio. Give me my greens.

Two: A sake bottle filled with rose petals sitting upon my bookcase. The sake bottle is the first bottle of sake I ever had. I shared it with a friend of mine over a fantastic Japanese dinner we made in my apartment. The petals are from a bouquet of a dozen roses that a boyfriend (who happened to be in the UK) had sent me for Valentine's Day. He was so excited about sending them that he sent them early. They were the first Valentine's Day gift I ever received while dating some one. They meant the world to me then and they means just as much to me now.

Three: The center piece of my altar. It was a gift from my exgirlfriend's folks. It was originally meant to house scented oils but I found it was just what I needed for my altar and it's been there ever since. It reminds me of her. It's been on my altar so long that my cats were seriously confused when I removed it for cleaning. As you can see, the altar is a favorite place fr them.

Four: A boxed game of Apples to Apples, sitting in a cabinet under my aquarium. This reminds me of Korvin as it was a gift from him on my twenty second birthday. It also reminds me of the above exgirlfriend because it was her father  who introduced me to the game.

Five: A framed Jodie Bergsma print. It was a gift from my father when I was depressed and it really means a lot to me. It says: "Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars You have a right to be here. Believe that life is unfolding as it should therefore keep peace with God in your soul, remember it is a beautiful world after all."

I do hope you were not expecting some amount of regularity from me. I could try but it never really works. Life has a way of changing things on the slightest of notices.

Work is going well though I am almost expecting something to happen tomorrow. Knock on wood.

I'd like to say that things are going well relationship wise but they're not. I last spoke to Korvin on the twenty eighth. The last text message I received was upon the second while I was driving back from Albq around ten thirty that night. I'm giving the matter a week. If I don't hear from him before the ninth, I'm going to consider it a wash. I love him dearly but I am growing weary of this horrible lack of communication. It pains me to think about this because I truly thought we had a second chance. Now it seems I was wrong in the most awful way possible. Only time will tell. Either way, I am tired of being the villain. I know he does not understand the reasons I had for ending it the first time around, else this would not be happening. He needs, as the phrase goes, to shit or get off the pot. Either he wants to give this a real chance and be with me or he doesn't. Simple as that.

As you saw me mention Albq, I'll let you know what's going on there. Papa came back from his California trip on Sunday night. I went to pick him up and got back around ten or so that night. The following morning I discovered that my wallet was missing. I was frantic in my search of the house, practically turning it upside down. In a last ditch effort, I called the airport's lost and found office. They indeed had my wallet but there was no credit card in it nor was my social security card. It appears that I was hit by a pickpocket. Damn it. That night I drove down after work and picked it up. I ended up getting home just after eleven. Wednesday, I found my credit card buried on my dresser. The social security card, however, has been taken. Fun. Fun.

So, it is Thursday night and I am about ready to pass out for the night. My furry balls of chaos are waiting for me to go to bed and I think I shall do just that. I've had a long day and I intend to sleep like a rock. Before I sign off the night, however, I am going to post a meme I created.

Anathema