8 posts tagged “quin”
Just peeking in to say hi. Wow, there is a lot going on!
Got up at five thirty. Go dressed, got things ready. Flat-ironed hair (yay!) and got out the door. Almost killed my father when he pulled a stupid traffic stunt.
Molly is a work. She has yet to talk to a dietician so she has no clue how to handle the fact that her blood sugar levels now need to be yielded to. She went from a fifty eight to a four hundred in a matter of two hours. Not good. Maybe this will calm her down. I can only hope.
My shoes... well... the shoe goo did not work so my soles are not attached. I tried some other stuff at work but to no avail. Crud. I will look and see if I can get any ideas from the net on what to do. Otherwise I'll have to wait to get the soles on properly.
I like my horoscope today but I like Free's even better. Go read them here: http://www.beliefnet.com/dailyhoroscope/223907.htm
What else? Nothing really. All else is going well. I'm nervous about tonight. Very. So... I'm going to go get some lunch, get some tickets and get back to work. Eeeek! Bye kids!
Anathema
By the by... Quin, sorry I laughed at your post. It was mean... but... it was funny! *snerk* And Free, darling, I will try to call you tonight for just a moment. I love you!
I've never been very good at writing the details of the day have I? I tend to focus on the details of the mind more. Something about that seems painfully simple yet a thousand times more complex.
What did I do with Free while visiting? A saw a beautiful concert and heard music that made my soul ache. I heard a voice that makes every part of me dance like chimes in the wind. I love that voice (and of course the person to whom it belongs) and probably always will. I saw Rocky Horror and got ratted out as a virgin. I thanked everything I ever knew that I wasn't chosen for the virgin games. I went to a club that was dead but had a time like nothing else, knowing that for once, I was beautiful. I met his friends and saw how well he was loved and smiled at it. I met his primary and though fear masked us, I felt good about meeting her. I met the third over Indian food and felt much more at ease. I traveled down roads that I've never seen but long to see again. I made love to a man whom I treasure and for once am smart enough to show it. I faced a monster or two and came out from under the bed with a smile, triumphant for all my sweat. I felt like a puppet supported by a single string up my spine, my arms out stretched, walking upon an endless tightrope. And while I still feel like that, I smile, sing a song and walk it without fear of falling. The next step is to dance.
So, now I am home. I faced the last big monster. And while I had tears in my eyes, I know I have done the right thing. I made mistakes with Quin. I cannot regret them because those mistakes have led me to where I am and I love where I am. The only thing I regret is cowing down to my own fear. This is not to say that I am not sorry for what I have done have done and I will, truly, remain so. But please do not confuse remorse with regret. Regretting something means that with knowledge of where I am now, I would go back and change it. I must be honest. I would not. Because I am happy. And if I am happy now in being poly, that only means that in the future, had I chosen to remain monogamous I would have ended up miserable and would have, in the process, made him miserable as well. It's a balance, like everything else in my life.
He said that he was hurt that I chose another man over him and because of that (and other things) he could never be with me. I agreed but said I had not chosen another over him. After speaking with Free this morning, I came to understand that I had chosen another man over him in essence. Because as it is, I could be monogamous and possibly have another chance with him. Who knows, I could have married him. I have indeed chosen but it wasn't so simple. I chose a lifestyle and a man (I'd say more but right now there aren't any others right now) over monogamy with Quin. Why? Because I love Free. And I love my life. I would not change any of that for all the world. Shakespeare may have said it best: 'This above all else, to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.' I am being true to myself and in doing so I am being true to everyone else. I would not, could not, will not walk away from what I have and what I am. In the end it is the price of one choice over another. I will always love Quin. Maybe in time it will lessen but it will never go away. But it doesn't pain me any more. And maybe that's because now I have hopes that he'll be okay and that he'll move on and find happiness. I want those I love to be happy, even if I can't be the one to make them so.
I suddenly feel as though I've become my favorite literary heroine. And while part of me thinks that should scare me, it doesn't. All I'm missing are the guns. The details of what the characters are exactly... well... that's immaterial. I have to wonder... is this my Micah? Because Quin sure as hell feels like Richard.
I need to go to bed. I don't work tomorrow but I probably should sleep. I took my last bit of antibiotics and I will be grateful when this is all over. It's taken a toll via a yeast infection that's now gone but has left me... well... that's probably too much information. And the shot I got in ER, the antibiotics... left one hell of a bruise on my ass. So off I go to read and drink some tea. Good night kids!
Anathema
Just saying that I am alive. I've spent the last day and a half falling in and out of consciousness. This is what I am doing:
Just finished filing my taxes. I am expecting around thirteen hundred. I will be throwing all my paychecks into said account and doing what I can to live off of as little as I can.
I need to clean out my external drive. It's too junked up with things I don't need/want any more. Plus I need to look through some of my old writings.
Speaking of writings! I need to write Quin so I will do so in my notebook then type it up afterwards. Then I need to work on a few short stories. I'm thinking of bundling some of them together. Plot. Plot. Plot.
I am going to speak to my father's dance instructor about when I can get in. I need to do this. I need to stop using my ankle as a crutch. I envy those who can be graceful in all they do. It's time I stop envying them and try it. No excuses.
I also need to look into taking voice lessons. I can sing but it's rough. Untrained. I can be better. I want to be better. I want to sing ballads that make people cry. I want to sing a love song that can bring out the sun on the darkest of days. I can do this.
I need to start looking into where I can take accredited online courses. I want to teach so what the hell is stopping me? Me. I need to get out of my own way.
And above all, thank you, Free, love. That trip did more for me than you can imagine. I know now what I want. And I know what I must do to get it.
Okay! Off I go! Much to do and never enough time to do it in! There is still so much swimming in my head about the trip and questions of friends bring even more to mind. I feel like a child looking at a whole new world.
If anyone needs me or wants to talk to me either call me or text message me. No offense but if you don't have that info, I probably don't know you well enough to pop online at a moments notice for you.
Anathema
So much I want to say but I'm pretty damn sick right now. I will fill you all in on the trip after I get the sleep I sorely need. But some quick notes. I'm going to start with the good stuff.
I had a wonderful time with Free. It went better than I could have ever imagined it going. I'm still processing the results of it all so I will be giving myself the weekend to get better and too chew everything over.
I had a screaming ear ache. It was so bad I went to Espanola ER around two in the morning Friday. Part of me wants to write about that because not only was it bloody scary but I had an epiphany of sorts while curled on my side, crying from the stuff they put into my ear.
Went to the docs today. I have strep. Again. The medicine they gave me in the ER, however good the experience, had been making me throw up all morning. It was embarrassing like nothing else. There are two things I hate to do in public, be ill and cry. In the past couple days I've managed to do both. Thankfully most of the tears were related to the trip... in a good way!
My voice is pretty much gone. I can't keep myself as hydrated as I want and since it hurts to talk, I'm just not going to. Which is horrid because that means I can't talk to Free. Mrph.
I've got lots of emails to catch up to. One of which is from Quin. If you're reading this, I will email you. There's a lot you need to know. And I need to stop being so afraid.
Goodnight/morning kids!
Anathema
Before I leave I should post this because it made me giggle... well.. internally. It was from the first, the day I left Texas:
"SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 22): You may be receiving
recognition for a job well done, but you are so wrapped up in your
emotional world that you may not realize how much others value you. You
are a tough sell with respect to self-worth, and now you are
questioning yourself in ways that reach toward the bottom of your soul.
Don't climb so deep into your own well that you cannot see the light
that shines from above." Do I see that light? I think, for once, that I do. And I've been smiling so much from the vision that my jaws ache.
(x-posted)
This shall be brief. I am tired beyond belief. I've felt nauseous all night, starting from the drive home. My head has been spinning. My father tells me that it's because I've been running in circles without a break for well over a week now. I'd like nothing more than to go to bed yet I cannot. I have the shift the clothes in the washer into the dryer. So much has been on my mind. Every little thing is telling me that I should email him. Quin, that is. While digging through the paperwork I rescued from the wreckage I found a piece of paper that carried a poem. I had printed it out and meant to send it to Quin years ago. Yet I never did. It's a piece by Elizabeth Barrett Browning; Sonnet XLIII.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
I put it in my wallet.
While going through the car I also found the love spoon he had sent me so many years ago. It's still my most cherished possession. I carried it in my car so it'd be with me always, even when it bothered others that I would date. I simply could not remove it. So now it sits on my altar, beside my voodoo doll. I'm going to leave it there in hopes that I can decided what to do. My heart is aching yet fear rules over me. I wish I could dream the answer. I wish I knew what he would say. After all, he appears to be happy and I could not and would not do a thing to ruin that.
Time to toss the clothes in the dryer. I need to sleep before I collapse. I am too weary for my own good. Good night. Good night Quin. Good night Free. Good night Daemon. And of course, good night Allen, my brother.
Anathema
I've had just about enough of this shit. The next person who goes silent on me instead of talking to me, the next person who fucks with my head, is going to get their head handed to them. What the hell is this?! Korvin drops off the planet like the asshole he is, even after hearing about the wreck. I get what amounts to an indecent proposal from a dear friend and while I'm trying to process the information he goes silent. What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On?!
And now Quin has reappeared in the form of an email to my father. I was home today (I start the new job tomorrow) and while checking my fathers email for something else, I see this. It was an email to my father, about me, asking if he could pass along his info to me. I'm not upset even though my head is still spinning from left over frustrations from others. I'm more... terrified. Hell, even panicked. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should or even have the strength of will to email him. I have already lost so much this year. I have already have enough people declaring their hate for me. I don't know if I can risk hearing that again. Most especially not from him. I admit, I check in on his blog on occasion. Just to make sure he's okay.
My father is looking to get another car and put under his name. We're looking through the lemon lot and the ads for something affordable - as I will be the one making payments - as well as gentle on gas consumption. This will help. Big time.
I am also making plans to go to Texas in the next few months. This will be a grand experiment in a new direction but one that seems to be the right one. At least so far as my heart is concerned. I can only hope that this won't backfire some how, this new direction that is. This depends on a few things. A) What times my new job will willingly let me go. B) When Free's, the one I'm going there to see, novel is complete. C) The car situation.
Well kids, I am off. I need to take a quick shower before I call it a night. I may eventually get into the swing of this morning thing.. but I have my doubts.
Anathema
Show us something that makes you nostalgic.
Submitted by ngocaroo.
There's a few things that make me nostalgic, as short as my life has been.
Pick five random objects from your bedroom or house that look unsuspecting to strangers, yet hold memories for you be they good, bad or indifferent. Share! And remember to pass this along. (And no, images are not required!)
One: The red cut velvet pillow upon my bed. I got it when a fellow Scorpio whom I happened to be dating said that I was a fucked up Scorpio for not owning nor wearing anything red. I had a great time with said Scorpio until he dropped off the face of the planet. The pillow remains on my bed. It's the only red thing I own aside from a now missing red tank top. I've just never been a red-loving Scorpio. Give me my greens.
Two: A sake bottle filled with rose petals sitting upon my bookcase. The sake bottle is the first bottle of sake I ever had. I shared it with a friend of mine over a fantastic Japanese dinner we made in my apartment. The petals are from a bouquet of a dozen roses that a boyfriend (who happened to be in the UK) had sent me for Valentine's Day. He was so excited about sending them that he sent them early. They were the first Valentine's Day gift I ever received while dating some one. They meant the world to me then and they means just as much to me now.
Three: The center piece of my altar. It was a gift from my exgirlfriend's folks. It was originally meant to house scented oils but I found it was just what I needed for my altar and it's been there ever since. It reminds me of her. It's been on my altar so long that my cats were seriously confused when I removed it for cleaning. As you can see, the altar is a favorite place fr them.
Four: A boxed game of Apples to Apples, sitting in a cabinet under my aquarium. This reminds me of Korvin as it was a gift from him on my twenty second birthday. It also reminds me of the above exgirlfriend because it was her father who introduced me to the game.
Five: A framed Jodie Bergsma print. It was a gift from my father when I was depressed and it really means a lot to me. It
says: "Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars You have a right to be here. Believe that life is unfolding as it should therefore keep peace with God in your soul, remember it is a beautiful world after all."
