4 posts tagged “personal”

Nothing about my life is gruesome. Nothing that would make you gasp. My life is not the makings of some movie you'll see late one night when there's nothing else on but infomercials. At least not one that any reasonably intelligent program director would air when they could be earning a few easy bucks for the infomercials. Think of my life as an instructional video in what not to do. Learn from my mistakes, I could tell you. As if you'd listen. No one ever does. Just nod your head. Even if I know the truth, it will make me feel as though I've done something worthwhile. Pretend you're one of my exes. Pretend you care.

What I'm going to write here is a not so secret account made not so public. There's no real point to any of this. Honest. I'm just so damn tired of this story of mine. So I'm going to write it. Share it. Scream it. Get it out of my system. Or maybe I'll just bore you to death. Either way I'll end up entertained. And that's why any of us do anything. Right?

You'll find no heroes. No villains. No major plot points you'll memorize and compare a movie to. Just people. Just characters. Names changed to protect the guilty. To save the innocent. To give everyone an escape button. Everyone doing what they can to fuck up their lives. Others lives. People making every day mistakes and taking them way too far.

Here is a full accounting of my crimes. I do not ask forgiveness. I do not ask for understanding. I cannot ask for what I am incapable of doing. I cannot ask for what I am incapable of giving.

I broke my first heart at fourteen. I understood it at fifteen. Understanding doesn't end a behavior though. It's pretty to think so. I can break any heart. Just ask the ones I've left in my wake. If you find them. Ask one and you'll get a dirty look upon mention of my name. Maybe tears. Probably anger. I've lost count. I hate some. I love some. And there are still others who remain a question mark never to be answered. But we all carry pieces of a lifetime we have dreamed. Together. Alone. Be it for better or worse, we've all left our marks upon each other.

… (more to come)

I feel awful for not updating for a while but I think once I tell you all why, I may just be forgiven. It's been a long week, ending with me having countless bruises, several cuts, burns, body aches and a swollen ankle. Oh. And no car.

And because I could, and want to, write lots but can't sit in the horrid chair for too long, I have a video link for you that might explain what happened. Yes, it's an external link. I tried to save the bloody video but had no luck what so ever. Via KOBTV, Channel Four.

So. Yeah. That was my car. And yes. That is me they are pulling out of it. There were no critical injuries, though with the extent of the damage, I can see why they thought as much. I did get pulled out and put on a stretcher. I was taken to Saint Vincent's. Thankfully I have no broken bones though we did think my ankle would be broken at the very least.

As much as I'd like to write more, I am tired and sore. I need to go prop up my ankle and get out of this awful chair I have in front of the computer. As soon as I am feeling better I will write more.

Oh! And before I forget, Korvin is out of the picture for good. I called the son of a bitch from the car as I was trying to remain calm and wait for the rescue team and ambulance. I ended up leaving a message. It said that I was in just in a large wreck. That was I was still in the car. And that I could not and would not see him any longer. As I was spinning, I came to the realization that even though I loved him, he didn't feel the same and in fact it dawned on me that this whole thing was probably done in revenge. To see just how badly he could hurt me. I refuse to let it continue. I didn't know how bad I was injured but I had to do it. And his response? He's made none. No call to see if I'm okay. Nothing. For all he knows, I'm dead. And I may as well be so to him for he can kiss my ass. I've been hurt enough.

Anathema

I do hope you were not expecting some amount of regularity from me. I could try but it never really works. Life has a way of changing things on the slightest of notices.

Work is going well though I am almost expecting something to happen tomorrow. Knock on wood.

I'd like to say that things are going well relationship wise but they're not. I last spoke to Korvin on the twenty eighth. The last text message I received was upon the second while I was driving back from Albq around ten thirty that night. I'm giving the matter a week. If I don't hear from him before the ninth, I'm going to consider it a wash. I love him dearly but I am growing weary of this horrible lack of communication. It pains me to think about this because I truly thought we had a second chance. Now it seems I was wrong in the most awful way possible. Only time will tell. Either way, I am tired of being the villain. I know he does not understand the reasons I had for ending it the first time around, else this would not be happening. He needs, as the phrase goes, to shit or get off the pot. Either he wants to give this a real chance and be with me or he doesn't. Simple as that.

As you saw me mention Albq, I'll let you know what's going on there. Papa came back from his California trip on Sunday night. I went to pick him up and got back around ten or so that night. The following morning I discovered that my wallet was missing. I was frantic in my search of the house, practically turning it upside down. In a last ditch effort, I called the airport's lost and found office. They indeed had my wallet but there was no credit card in it nor was my social security card. It appears that I was hit by a pickpocket. Damn it. That night I drove down after work and picked it up. I ended up getting home just after eleven. Wednesday, I found my credit card buried on my dresser. The social security card, however, has been taken. Fun. Fun.

So, it is Thursday night and I am about ready to pass out for the night. My furry balls of chaos are waiting for me to go to bed and I think I shall do just that. I've had a long day and I intend to sleep like a rock. Before I sign off the night, however, I am going to post a meme I created.

Anathema

Greetings and salutations to everyone here at Vox. I created this account some time ago but things managed to become rather hectic before I was allowed the luxury of getting too very comfortable and introducing myself. I am Anna, otherwise known as Anathema. I cannot say I live an extraordinary life yet I cannot say I live a completely mundane existence either. I am twenty three and slowly encroaching upon my twenty fourth birthday. It's a thought that amuses me to no end as my childhood remains so very vivid in my imagination. Like every other person willing to admit it, I was involved of my fair share of stupidity and wonder just how I got through it in one piece. Regardless of how it was done, it was.

I currently live with my father, whom I look to as not only my parent but as my friend. I was living on my own for a few years before I moved back to help with bills and help support him through some very rough cancer treatments. Oh and he's doing quite well now, thank you. He's gone through colon cancer, two battles with prostate cancer as well as Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and has come out all the stronger for everything. We run an apiary out of our backyard. He tends to the bees while I harvest and sell the honey. He's also the team leader of a local Hazardous Devices Team (Bomb Squad) and was doing the same thing in the Navy for twenty three years before he retired.

I currently work for Office Depot in their tech department. So, yes, this often results in evenings spent plotting against insulting customers and bastards who try to play "Outwit the Tech". I have worked customer service for a good portion of my life though I have three years experience as the sole technician/engineer of a now defunct radio station and am looking to possibly get involved with radio once more. My maternal uncle, Rasmus, runs several stations in the Portland area so perhaps it's in the blood.

I am unsure as to how to refer to my relationship status. I do consider myself involved but at this point I find myself just unsure as to what to call it. The relationship between Korvin and myself is a little... complicated. This is the second time we've dated, the first time being two years ago. We had a rough break up that was really all my fault. He was going through a depression and because of the nature of our relationship (D/s) I thought it was simply too much for him and thought that the best course of action would be to allow him to get himself together before continuing. It didn't go well and unfortunately it led to some vicious arguments.

We saw each other in the start of this year. I had hopes but they were quickly shattered when, after we had already spent a night together, I found out he was engaged. I was enraged and though I tried to hide how upset and broken hearted I was, I failed miserably. I spent the next several weeks depressed and crying my eyes out. We didn't talk again until a couple months ago when he just happened to be in the store when I was coming back from lunch. I choked down my feelings and gave him my new number and said we should go play Jyhad (the VtM version of Magic). Almost a month later I got a random text message and after figuring out who the number belonged to, we spent the night watching Zozobra burn, talking about the past a little and... well... that too.

So now... he lives with his mother as he's doing school full time and his mother hates me. She kicked me out when I came to pick him up for a date Wednesday night... and no, he did not say a thing. He knows I love him. And I know that he... doesn't love me. It's frustrating, to say the least. I hate feeling like a villian, as though my intentions were truly horrid when I know they were not. I want to give this a chance, the chance it deserves but it's hard when he drops off the face of the planet, ignores my calls (perhaps once a day) for days on end and will drop a text conversation right in the middle. No one ever said that love was easy but I don't want another broken heart; the first two from him hurt enough, I don't want a third.

Well, I've got to attend a meeting tomorrow morning at eight though I'm off for the remainder of the day. Perhaps I can get Korvin to respond to a text message asking about lunch tomorrow.  Besides, I've babbled enough.

Goodnight everyone!

Anathema