7 posts tagged “past”

I almost feel bad for posting such angst but I admit that I really wasn't feeling very well in the slightest. My mood swings have gotten my attention so I'm really paying better heed to that. I really should not allow one bad day to knock me down so far.

Speaking of paying attention, something else has come under my radar. My weight and general physical health. I eat healthy but it's just not enough. I picked up a scale on Thursday, which was probably not a good thing to do when I was all ready feeling bad. The number? Oh, I could cry. 170. No one believes it and even I didn't at first but I tried a few things I knew the weight of. It was right. It's not muscle; I can see the fat. I am not comfortable with this. So. Tonight I picked up the following: new swimsuit, workout pants, a three pound dumbbell pairing, a jump rope, workout DVD, a pack of slim-fast snack bars and shakes for work. This cannot continue. I am thirty pounds over where I really should be to be healthy. It's depressing.

On the bright side... if it can be called that. This evening, while I was at work, I saw the man who had raped me all those years ago. I thought he'd been killed in a motorcycle wreck. That's what I had been told. Though as sure as I'm sitting here, it was him. I did very well. I did not panic like I had the last time I saw him four years ago - though breaking into hysterics and having to pull over and sit in a parking lot for an hour isn't exactly panicking. I called Allen over, had him watch my register and went upstairs to wash my hands. By the time I was back, he was gone. Then I just continued with my evening.

I cannot help but wonder why it seems that every ghost, every demon and such from my past has come back. And in such a small space of time. It seems that each one I run into gets worse. It's as if I'm being tested. As if life is just making sure that I really am okay and can handle my past and thus move on to my future. Outside of my evening panic over seeing Andrew, I think I have done well.

Oh, enough of this!

Yesterday Free got the birthday package I had sent him. I'm so glad he liked what I had sent. I was rather nervous about it, truth be told. I didn't want him to think I was overdoing it but I knew I had to send it when I saw it, it was just such a handy little thing. I didn't get a chance to stop by Borders to pick up what I really wanted to get him so I may just pick it up next time and send it anyway. I can't help it, I just like to do things like that.

Oh what else? I am expecting a phone call from Free as he and his primary drive to Rocky Horror. It'll be nice to hear from him and see how his day went. I've got rehearsals tomorrow. That reminds me that I really need to find some character shoes as all my shoes are really not good to wear on stage and make too much noise. I will do that when I am done posting this. I will also be starting up my exercise regiment tomorrow. It'll hurt at first but it will be worth it. I also need to make a Grammar Goddess post over at MT, my forum haunt. I am spreading my geek-dom. Yay!

Anyway, goodnight kids!

Anathema

Two entries in one night. Aren't you the lucky ones? Maybe. I will tell you now that this whole thing may sound bitter. In truth, it's not. Just honest.

Valentine's Day has never been a favorite holiday for me. In truth, I've bloody well hated it since I was a child. I've awful memories of the day. My first fiance hated it and thus refused celebrate, leaving me alone for weeks with bitter words of disgust. The rest ignored it as well (aside from Quin but more on that later). I was even dumped on Valentine's Day one year. During my senior year I remember being called to the office and receiving three red and white roses in a vase along with a small teddy bear and card from a 'secret admirer'. I was overjoyed, I spent the day smiling and showing everyone. I was so happy that some one would do something so sweet and that some one truly liked me. On the drive home I learned from my father that he was the one who had sent it, meaning well. I opened the window and threw the vase and it's accompanying teddy bear out as we sped down the highway. I didn't speak to him again until May. The following year my dear Amelia, my four year old cat, was diagnossed with bone marrow cancer. She was put down and cremated on Valentine's Day.

The only one to celebrate Valentine's Day was Quin. He was so excited that he sent it early. He sent me a dozen red roses and a box of chocolates. All the way from Wales. It meant the world to me. And yes, I admit I accidentally let the poor petals freeze in my car as I stopped briefly at my friends house on the way home. I hung them immediately and still have them dried in a bottle on my shelf.

Now by looking at all this perhaps it appears that I would put a lot of importance on the day. As time has moved on I have changed and my reasons for disliking it have as well.

My first reasons were painfully stereotypical. Sitting alone, I would watch lines of self satisfied lovers parade past and with each one I would grow increasingly bitter. Every balloon I saw I wanted to pop loudly and with some wrenched smirk. Each flower, I felt the desperate urge to crush beneath my feet with a defiant stomp. Oh there was so much angst that it could make all these amateurish emo-boys cry out for respite. I was a walking ball if bitter human emotions. I wore black, didn't smile and couldn't see a damn a bit of worth in myself on those days. Hate drove me.

Then some how I grew up. My heart grew up. My mind grew up. My understanding of what Love is changed so drastically that my cynicism and pessimistic manner faded and then disappeared. I didn't even see it for myself for the longest time.

What I hate about it now is it's commercial aspect. Why pick just one day to express your heart, to express your love for some one? It does no one any favors and truly trivializes what Love really is. Not that I know completely what it really is. I don't think anyone does. Anyway. If you love some one, tell them. Not just once but every day. Hold them close to you and never let go. Send random love notes. Open your heart and show them more than any Hallmark card could hope to contain. This is why when I talk to my father, Free, my grandparents... the people I love.. I always tell them I love them because I don't want to regret not telling them.

While I do believe in impermanence, I also believe in living life for all it's beautiful insanity and for all of it's torrid ugliness. I'm not going to fear it anymore and I refuse to live in my past any longer. I lost so much out of fear. I refuse to lose this... I refuse to listen to that edge of fear that I suddenly feel creeping up my spine like a spider dancing on it's web. I am no creature of prey. I don't like it but I have to accept it and get comfortable with it. Maybe I'll even tame it. That does not mean, however, that I am ever going to give in.

So, the end game of all this? To hell with Valentine's Day. Embrace love year 'round. I pity you if you don't because you'll never understand what you're missing.

Anathema (who is actually pondering a third entry at this very moment)

[Radio Edit]: I just got my Freewill Astrology email. I'm getting a case of the screamin' mimis....

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "My God, these folks don't know how to love," wrote novelist D. H. Lawrence, "that's why they love so easily." He certainly wasn't referring to people from your tribe. You Scorpios may find it easy to entertain gusts of lust, but you're too smart about real love to dive casually into its mysteries. You want to be a perpetual student who's in humble awe of the primal power of deep attraction. You know intimately that no matter how sweet and light love may sometimes feel, it always has the potential to sweep you into the unpredictable depths and change everything forever. Meditate further on these matters; it'll prepare you for the coming weeks.

What is it that I fear? What are the monsters under my bed? The more I think of them the more I wonder if I'm not just the monster under my own bed. I fear myself. I fear what runs through my mind in the middle of dark nights when the rest of the world seems so far removed. The thoughts that seem like mere shadows of the past in the bright light of day.

After my meeting with his primary, after we were sitting in the semi-safety of the hotel's darkness I felt it all just roll off, like some unseen weight, it just crumbled. I felt the tears surface, I felt it all arise. I likened it to the decompression a diver goes through. But in truth I still feel like I'm a thousand years under, like I will never really decompress. So... dive with me. Grab your SCBA and allow me to pull you under the waves and perhaps catch a glimmer of what I see.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who was told she wasn't good enough. This little girl believed it. But then she fought, fought against it tooth and nail. But no one else seemed to believe or at least say she was good enough. She more she fought, the deeper the waves became until they devoured her whole. Then one day she saw the sky, she knew which way was up. And she swam as hard as her limbs could carry her. She breathed a moment but fell under again. It continued this way for years, under and over, on top and beneath the waves. She kept her eyes to the sky. Until one day she shoved her way to the top. No one was taking her down now. She could float on her own. As long as she just kept breathing. Everything else didn't matter. What was under her, above her. None of it. She found her breath, she found her song, herself. And there she is, floating upon the sea. The next task? Find land. Find more land. Form her world. It takes more than one ocean to drift though, it takes more than one chunk of land to navigate and map, more than one cloud to pillow oneself against to create a world. It may take a life but she'll get there.

I could tell my sorry assed story until I'm blue in the face but that won't change a thing. All it is is a story. And so it goes. True, it forms part of who I am but why make it something more than it already is? It's already had an effect, it will only go as far as one allows it. It stops here. I will not be my past. I will be.. I am me. A mess but a fucking beautiful mess.

Now I need to face the monster. I need to get comfortable with it. Make friends with it, even. No more fear, it won't do me any good where I need to go. It won't do anything but get in the way. And nothing is going to get in my way unless I allow it.

When I stared into your eyes I could hear my heart scream "Do you know? Do you know I love you?" But all I heard was radio silence. Maybe it's better that way. Maybe it's better silent. But not saying someting doesn't make it not real. Reality isn't just what's said. It's what remains unsaid. It's a deeper, almost tragic end to reality, the unsaid. It makes me think of butterflies for some reason. Almost not there. Like me. Almost not there. Blink and you'll miss it.

Anathema

I walked off the edge of the known world. I stepped onto an uncharted area of the map with unsure feet, flashing my light into the darknessas far as it could reach. What I was looking for, I'm not sure and I'm even more unsure as to if I  have found it as of yet. Perhaps I have. It's been amazing, it's been nothing and everything that I expected.

It's been wonderful here, so much so that I don't even want to think about Thursday. So let's not. I watched him walk towards me as I stood waiting at Love Field. He smiled though it was obviously unsure. As though he was still wondering, "is this real?" Before the day was out, however, I found that we were at ease with each other. I have found an ease with him that I have not experianced in a long time and it does my heart good. I've never felt myself wanting to wrap myself around some one so quickly. Besides Quinn. I admit that I am glad that the distance is much, much, much more bearable. Yet... yet... it unnerves me.

For him I have changed the shape of my heart. It's taken some adjusting but anything worth doing isn't going to be easy. I have not regretted it one bit. He has brought out the best in me on all counts and that's fantastic. He's made me smile so much that my jaws ache.

It dawned on me last night as we stood in the bath room, his arms around me, asking me what I saw in the mirror... what I saw was trust. The kind with no limits. The kind where I know that I am safe with him, no matter what. That he will never hurt me. I have not fully trusted anyone since Z. And part of me is unsure of what to do. It's like learning how to ride a bike all over again. In truth, it's a little scary. Oh hell, let's not mince words... it terrifies me.

So here I am, a piece of my heart in my hands. What next? I knew I adored him long before I stepped upon the plane. So... it this love coming back around to torture me anew? And if it's not... why I am I so scared? Why is my heart in my throat? Why do melt when he looks at me? I'm a smart girl; this is not lust.

I could quote a million lines that explain how I feel but perhaps I should direct you to the source itself. The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

Anathema

What was it that Alice said after she fell down the rabbit hole? Curiouser and curiouser. And that's just about where I'm at. My past just won't piss off, damn it all. Z has come back to haunt me. Thrilling. I had heard a rumor a while ago that he was working at Starbucks but as I hadn't seen hide nor hair of him I didn't give it a second thought. Well, as I was waiting for my father to pick me up this evening and while talking to Free over the phone I caught sight of him out of the corner of my eye. It looked as though he had a moment of "wtf" as well. My phone was running out so I said goodbye to Free and continued reading my book.

He never came over but he'd occasionally glance over at me, still looking surprised. My stomach started aching and I couldn't tell if it was from hunger, a triple mocha on an empty stomach or seeing him for the first time in over two years. He really left a lot of pain in his wake. The bastard. I know, I know. This is just enough detail to demand a back story isn't it? Damn it. Perhaps later. I'm going to finish this entry and go work on a story that I wrote after saying my final good bye to Z all those years ago. I think I may want to find a way to publish it somewhere.

The rest of the day was... okay. Had a fight with my father this afternoon over his temper and his problems handling anger and stress. We've talked through it and I've brought up the idea of stress/anger management. I don't know if it will go anywhere but it needed to be brought up. He called me while I was waiting at Starbucks and he apologized. He scared the hell out of me though when he said that "something" had happened. I almost went into panic mode three. I hate it when he does that. He told me how he saw a homeless man fall on the street. He pulled over and got the man to the Burger King near by. He bought him food and coffee, made sure he was okay and went to his class. He was truly shaken up.

Rehearsal was... pointless. We went over some songs and to be honest... they're awful. The women that wrote them.. geeze.. I want to smack them both. It's horrid! The lady trying to teach us the songs was useless. No matter how awful we sounded she would say "That was great! You're really getting it!" Gah!

This evening has proven most cathartic. I needed it. Though tears are heavy on my eyes and have stained my cheeks like little rivers... I feel better than I have in a long time. Thank you Free.

Anathema

I've found myself in a bit of a funk since last night. So here I am trying to think my way through it. Never good. As optimistic as I may be, I am feeling anything but that as of late. My mind has being chewing over something that's been bothering me for a bit of time now and while I know that's not good there's really no one to whom I can bring this issue of mine to. This isn't exactly a common problem. Plus the blinding headache that I can feel coming is not helping. I feel myself on the verge of tears so I know what it means; a migraine is on the way. Oh joy. Oh rapture.

Astrologically speaking... (this is taken from Beliefnet)...

In General: The intense Scorpio Moon sets the stage for an emotionally powerful day as Scorpio's two ruling planets, Mars and Pluto, conjoin in a fiery show of passion. This suggests volcanic eruptions of feelings, displays of suppressed rage and struggles for control. Fear of loss can make matters worse unless we pay attention. Taking the high road is crucial, for integrity combined with kindness can open the way for evolutionary transformation.

Scorpio: Your two ruling planets, Pluto and Mars, can be quite capable of fighting when they must. Today, these two planets come together to show you what intensity is truly all about, although you are no stranger to strong feelings. On one hand, this can turn on your love light, but on the other hand, it can turn dangerously cold. Above all, use your focused will power to keep you from falling into an emotional abyss.

I didn't read this until tonight but I have to confess that it makes perfect sense towards how I am feeling. So what do I do? Just ride the waves and hope to gods I don't crash? I've never liked that but Lady help me, I don't know what else to do!

You know... since I came out as poly I've turned down more dates than I did when I wasn't? I don't get it. When I explain my status I get a blinking stare and an "okay, so?". I can't do that to a monogamous person, it's just not fair to them. Remy was pouting because I wouldn't sleep with him (and yes, I did a year and a half ago) because his heart is built for monogamy and I know that for him sex would very well lead to something more in his emotions. Monogamy thrives on a one on one relationship and that's just not where I'm at. I know that I may well be the only person that feels this way but it's like breaking rules, unspoken as they may well be. You don't force some one to share if they just aren't made for it emotionally. And it's been so bloody frustrating because while I knew this was only going to make things more complicated, I didn't think that it'd be... like this. And if I hear one more "Oooh, kinky" comment, some one is going to die.

Paxton and I spoke a few days ago but nothing else. It's a wash. I've grown tired of Daemon's elite attitude and constant complains that this, that or the other thing in dealing with me just just not right. I think, speak, act and believe in my own ways and he bitches about every little part if it. His behavior has gotten down right demeaning and that's not something I'm going to waste my time with. He knows it too. I don't need some one telling me that I'm just not enough. I've gone through that plenty of times without allowing it intentionally. It's too bad though, I had hopes for him. And Ronan? We talk off and on. We'll never have a relationship again and that's fine with me. But it's nice to have him in my life regardless.

Ah, the theater! I almost forgot. Because Unice overbooked the Olios (she's an utter genius, I tell you), I did not perform tonight and will not be singing again until Saturday night (the 20th). It's too bad though, I could have used the distraction. Oh well. On the other hand it's just as well. She was bitching that I was singing a new song every night and demanded that I stick to God Bless the Child or Accentuate the Positive. Meh. So, as I will be leaving as soon as I am done singing next Saturday (I will have a getaway car ready), I will not be performing either of those and will be doing either Twisted or They All Laughed. That is, unless I find something else I like better. I don't like monotony, it wears quickly on me.

Last nights performance went beautifully though. I did Accentuate the Positive and it went over better than I ever thought it would. The audience actually started snapping their fingers. I couldn't stop smiling; I've never had audience participation. I couldn't have asked for better. Oh! And pieces of my past were in the audience. Francine and Cory, two of my closest and most beloved friends... until they both, rather viciously, turned against me. They both used information I only trusted to them and attacked me with it. But that's okay. Afterwards I realized that I was much better off without either of them in my life. They made me feel like so much less than what I am. In truth, they never even knew about all the classes I was taking and the degree I worked my ass off for. They were both too concerned about themselves to ever really dig very deep. After Cory's attack online I told him off and though he tried, in vain, to apologize (in a very backhanded manner), I've never forgiven him. Had he said it in person it would have been easier but when you type something up you damn well have time to think about it before you send it. Not only did he "send" it. He posted it in my online journal, for the whole bloody world to read. So no. I was done. During intermission he tried to walk up while I was standing in the back of the theater. I simply turned away. I'm not going through that again. But it was nice to have control for a moment. It was nice to have that strength. And it was nice to show that I could truly do something. They'll never know about the degree but I don't care. They're so damn superficial that I simply don't care.

Well, I'm going to go tuck myself into bed early. The headache is surfacing and I don't want to be awake when it gets into full swing. Be good while I'm gone kids!

Anathema

This shall be brief. I am tired beyond belief. I've felt nauseous all night, starting from the drive home. My head has been spinning. My father tells me that it's because I've been running in circles without a break for well over a week now. I'd like nothing more than to go to bed yet I cannot. I have the shift the clothes in the washer into the dryer. So much has been on my mind. Every little thing is telling me that I should email him. Quin, that is. While digging through the paperwork I rescued from the wreckage I found a piece of paper that carried a poem. I had printed it out and meant to send it to Quin years ago. Yet I never did. It's a piece by Elizabeth Barrett Browning; Sonnet XLIII.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

I put it in my wallet.

While going through the car I also found the love spoon he had sent me so many years ago. It's still my most cherished possession. I carried it in my car so it'd be with me always, even when it bothered others that I would date. I simply could not remove it. So now it sits on my altar, beside my voodoo doll. I'm going to leave it there in hopes that I can decided what to do. My heart is aching yet fear rules over me. I wish I could dream the answer. I wish I knew what he would say. After all, he appears to be happy and I could not and would not do a thing to ruin that.

Time to toss the clothes in the dryer. I need to sleep before I collapse. I am too weary for my own good. Good night. Good night Quin. Good night Free. Good night Daemon. And of course, good night Allen, my brother.

Anathema