14 posts tagged “love”
I wish there was a way to put a big red sash across my page saying that I was on a hiatus. That would make things so very much easier, ne? Well, either way that's how it's going to be for a while. Each year I take some time out just for me to find a balance. It's a saving grace and has kept my bio-polar disorder at bay for four years now.
Lately I've been running from one end to the other without much success to speak of. I've got emails at OKC that I keep telling myself I'll answer. I've got emails at my gmail account I need to answer. I've got a business website for my family apiary that I need to work on. I've got the accounts I need to update. I've got this poor ignored that I've not updated in ages. Yet at the moment, I feel almost overwhelmed by all of this. It reminds me of my car wrecks. And like the first one, I am getting out to take a deep breath and clear the air.
One: Free is on a vacation/road trip with his primary. While I miss him horribly, I know this is a good thing for everyone. They have time together that they need and I have time to get some sleep (okay, I admit it... I haven't gotten shit for sleep since his trip started), get some cleaning done as well as write. I've got a lot of thoughts running through my mind and I need to find a way to get it all down.
Two: My bedroom is a disaster. I've been pulling things out of every box, drawer and what-have-you to get all the useless rat-packed bullshit out. I've even set aside a few things to sell on Ebay (look for anathema.untamed). I also need to move my furniture. That and I am hoping to raise enough funds to get a VIP ticket for the Bernadette Peters concert on September first. The tickets are about two fifty and I don't really want to use any of my normal funds to do this.
Three: The office is looking a bit messy again. It won't take but an hour but I need to just buckle down and do it.
Four: My bathroom. I've been pricing new vanities and the like so, hopefully, in the next week or two I'll be starting to renovate my tiny bathroom into something more livable. I need to clean out this room as well and get rid of all the shampoos that wrecked my hair. Note: Pantene kills my hair. Bastards.
And there's still so much. I need to start my weekly hikes come hell or high water. I need to start (continue, really) eating better so I can get myself back down to a comfortable weight. Most say I'm not overweight and that it's just muscle. Well, most of it is but not all. It's not like I'm looking to lose some crazed amount, only about ten pounds or so.
So here I go. I'll be back in a week or so probably more. To anyone awaiting emails of any kind... sorry. It's not that I'm a bitch. I've just been overwhelmed by life. I'll be back when when I'm walking this tightrope a little better.
Anathema
Because I'm a slacker...
As you can probably tell from that last, ever so brief entry, it's been hectic. I'll be flying home tomorrow evening at five fifteen (CST) and getting home probably sometime around seven thirty (MST). I find that I am in a rather 'in-between' sort of mood. To do the situation justice, I'll try to write everything out as well as I can. Well... there are something items that I prefer to keep to a more private form of expression but I'll try not to leave out anything that will make you go 'what was that?' This may or may not be in order. You all know how my mind works now so I'm sure you'll catch on.
My first day here was great. Hell, it was the most... active first hour of any trip I've ever had. It was wonderful! Upon seeing him, I thought my heart would jump from my chest and race me. I still feel like that when I look at him. We spoke over lunch at Chipolte. That night we were going to go see Johnny Lloyd Rollins but the show was cancelled. So we went and met with his friend instead. Had a great time.
Oops, just got distracted. I just saw a new photo of my pretty little nieces posted over at MySpace and had to leave a comment for my brother.
Now... this is where my days get almost blury. We spent most of our time at thye hotel, just spending time with each other. Wednesday we had lunch with Ed. Thursday we had lunch with his primary (yes, I'm still witholding her name because I don't know if she'd be comfortable with me using it or another for her). That night he had work.
Now, I admit... that night I was thrown off a bit. I'm at a loss as to what to do around his primary. I'm not exactly a people-person but I'm pretty good at meeting new people and finding common ground. However... she's not very - oh how do I say this? - good at meeting new people it seems. This is merely a summation from my meeting her and what I've gathered friom Free. Regardless, I thought it went well as did he. However it appeared from an email she made later to him that she didn't feel the same way. Or it could be that she was just having an off day. I was really at a loss as to what to do and I still am, really. This really threw me off. I can't say it was unexpected however. That doesn't mean I wish it hadn't though.
Anyway, that night I made a lovely dinner at the hotel. Steak and shrimp in an apricot sauce, a salad with clementines, pine nuts and dried cranbrries. Mmmm, tasty. I do wish I had an oven but I was able to make-do with the stove top. The next night, as he had to work that night as well, I made raviolli in a sauce, tomato soup and another salad. I'll have to start playing salads more when I get back to New Mexico. It'd really spice up dinners to have something a little different every now and again.
Friday was quiet, having lunch with Ed and keeping mostly to ourselves. Saturday we had yet another quiet day and lunch with Ed. That night we went to a bar Free's mother frequents and had fun at their weekly karaoke. And yes, I got up and sang. In fact, I sang four times. Lemme see if I can remember what I sang. God Bless the Child... Hero... Honey I'm Home and Angel. Oh! And a brief duet of sorts with Free and I was pulled up to sing a song with all the other women present. I had a wonderful time! And while Free said I was meeting his mother while she was in a great mood, she came across as a really lovely lady. It was great to meet her. The only bad part was the fact that we stank of smoke for the rest of the night. That night we continued to stay up and we watched the following days sunrise together. It was utterly magnificent. We got to bed around eight Sunday morning.
Sunday... we slept until four in the afternoon. We then got together with Jess. She stayed until about midnight. I admit, I was growing a bit weary of company. My reaction wasn't the best but it wasn't as bad as all that. As he kept insisting that she should stay, I wasn't very pleased. And... well... this is where I admit, to my shame, a certain comfort level. I consider intimacies, making out and the like... well... personal. Or at least something kept to all those involved. It's not just relationship related. I just get annoyed with overdone displays of affection infront of others. So, wanting to get some air and think my way through my discomfort, I took the garbage down to the bins on the ground level and then went to go sit on the benches that were upon the grass not far from the room.
They came and found me after a few minutes. We said our goodbyes, I hugged Jess and Free and I spend the rest of the night talking about what had happened and comfort levels. Oh and a side note...
I get along quite well with Jess. I enjoy her company; she's a nut. I really wish that his primary felt that comfortable with me because I feel that we have the potential to have some great conversations and possibly share some good humor. But, I just don't know what to do about that because I just don't get that same vibe from her.
Monday... we had a quiet day and spent the majority of it between the hotel and Eds. That night we had something of a fight/argument - our very first - but we talked it through. I don't expect to see eye to eye on everything; that would drive me mad. But as much as we both pride ourselves on communication, we're not perfect and we can't always say the right thing. That's part of the human condition.
Tuesday. We were off. We'd only slept five hours. He was grumping and snapping a bit (well, a little more than a bit); a mixture of not feeling well and disliking my leaving. I will say I was a little irked. I didn't want my last memories of this trip to be bad. Standing in the garage, we spoke and I gave voice to my feelings. We spoke a bit about it. Mid-talk, we got a reprieve. My flight was cancelled. So, on our way to get lunch, I called American Airlines. After being on perma-hold for god knows how long, I finally got a new flight for the following morning. This, however, led to complications. His primary was none too pleased. They'd been planning on spending that night together.
We talked some more and agreed to enjoy ourselves and use this extra night as something of a second chance. That is... until there was more bad news. My second flight was cancelled as well. Also due to weather. This was about midnight (CST) and he was on the phone with his primary and I could tell by the tone of the conversation that she was upset about what this may mean. It only got worse. I called American and and the only flight they could get me on had a nine fifteen depature time. Nine fifteen Thursday night.
I instantly started looking up what I could do to get tickets through another airline. This led to a bit of upset and more talking. Though uncomfortable with causing more problems, I gave in, booked the tickets that American offered.
So... today. Wednesday. I will say now that a lot of what happened today will be staying off the blog. It was not pretty and the air is still heavy-laden with discomfort and hurt feelings and probably a bit of anger.
He went to go have lunch with his primary and left me off at Borders.On the way, Free asked me something that... well... maybe part of me feels that his primary should have at least tried to talk to me about it as well. She asked him to leave me at the airport two hours earlier than my flight. I was rather taken aback, feeling this was almost an about-face to our plan to enjoy the extra time together to it's fullest. Rather hurt but wanting to mull everything over before saying anything, I remained quiet as he dropped me off.
At Borders I spent... waaaay too much money. Something over one hundred dollars. Oops. I hate to say it but that may have been part of a mania showing. Oh well. I got a few books (How to Hepburn, Sexy Witch, and a CSS pocket guide), a wood-bound journal and even something for Free (yes, even angry, I thought to get him something). I spent the remaining time reading and listening to music on my player.
The drive back... was not pretty. I even thought about calling a cab and staying a hotel close to the airport for the remaining night. I was so angry that I completely shut down. I'll leave it at that. We spoke and while things aren't exactly warm and fuzzy, we'll be okay.
So, here I am. I'm sitting at Eds while Free is at work. I was able to get rescheduled for an earlier flight so it took care of the problem. I rather wish that I'd been able to do that before being put in the position I felt that I'd been put in of either being angry and hurt and crying in the airport alone or sitting and watching him be upset because his primary would be upset. Neither was a good option to me. And though there is an 's-word' that comes to mind, it'd be mean to say it. And even I, in all my tactless glory, know better.
Anyway. I've checked my mail, the forum, and everthing else that I don't need my bookmarks for. I'm going to go sit and write and read a bit. So, good night kids. Everyone be good while I'm away.
Anathema
Here I sit in my silk ritual robe because my terry-clothe bathrobe has finally died. I've tried to go to bed who knows how many times but I can't seem to do it. My stomach is aching as I've not had dinner but the mere thought of food is making me feel even worse. My head is spinning with a million thoughts and most are things I don't want to think about. Most are too bloody negative. I don't like that one bit. I don't like being negative. I'd much rather be happy, optimistic. I liked being some one who could see the good in everything. Right now I'm feeling hard-pressed to see the lighter side of the sun. The dark side of the moon is about where I'm at.
I want to talk to some one right now. But I don't think I will. I just don't know if that's a good thing or bad. With my trip only nine or so days away... timing couldn't be any worse. Yeah, it's true... when you love some one you give them the right to hurt you. And right now I'm feeling... hurt, confused and rather lost. It's not like it's something horrific. It's not earth shattering. I'm an adult and I'll work through it just fine. I just don't know what to do because, to be honest, today was the first day I've had my optimism so shredded. I try to see the good in everything because I know there's always good to be had. I try to see the good intentions because I believe that intentions are everything. I can forgive almost anything if I know the intentions were good. I hate seeing people dig into themselves. It reminds me of... me. And I know it's not healthy. It scares me because it's like viewing part of my past and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
But maybe this helpless feeling... maybe this is good. Because right now I really can't do a damn thing. All I can do is stand outside. All I can do is say "You're good enough" and hope that I'm heard. All I can do is wait. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pitch a tent and wait it out because I refuse to do anything less though I wish I could do something more.
So, I'm going to go curl up in my tent and hope I can sleep until the sun comes out again. Before I go, I will share with you a song from CD I almost forgot I had. Her name is Sinead Lohan and she's a wonderful Irish singer/songwriter. This is from her second (and last CD), No Mermaid. The track is titled Don't I Know. Music drives me, feeds me. It makes my soul dance.
Anathema
I need to post this:
"I really do believe that all of you are at the beginning of a wonderful journey. As you start traveling down that road of life, remember this: There are never enough comfort stops. The places you're going to are never on the map. And once you get that map out, you won't be able to refold it no matter how smart you are. So forget the map, roll down the windows, and whenever you can, pull over and have a picnic with a pig. And if you can help it, never fly as cargo."
- Kermit (the frog, the genius)
And for you M*A*S*H fans:
"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
If you remember nothing else, remember this: No matter what life throws at you, embrace it. It makes us stronger human beings. Never fear tomorrow and never waste time on regretting yesterday or you won't have any tomorrows to worry about anyway. Go dance in the rain and enjoy the storm. Forgive, love, and be gentle with yourself. Because, like it or not, you are loved and I won't put up with anyone hurting the ones I love.
I think I shall take the advice of my horoscope today. It said that I should express my joy and more specifically "figure out a way to bring the missing pleasure back into your life." I need to do that. I've been focusing too much on the matters that have been frustrating me and not nearly enough attention to the things that make me happy. And considering I spend more time smiling than not, it stands as proof that I am pretty happy. I need to express that better than I have been. I'm sorry my darling Free, that you haven't seen me as happy as I have been. I'm sorry Quin (yeah, keep laughing you smartass) that I've not been on very often, especially after saying I wasn't going to do that. I'm sorry to all my friends at MT that I've been a little snippy as of late.
Now! What good things have been happening? I'll go from one end of my life to another.
Work. It turns out that Molly is in the hospital. Her mother has called for the past two days to let the managers know that she'd be gone. She has explained that Molly's blood sugar levels are dangerously high and they cannot get them to fall. So, I will eat crow and admit that I was wrong in stating that she probably wasn't diabetic. However... I hope that, if she gets through it, this will get her to start paying attention to what she eats and gets her to cut back on all the sugar she eats. It's got to be a pretty scary thing to be going through. I may not like her but I hope she will be all right soon.
Everything else is going well at work. I've got couple guys that have started to come in a flirt with me so I admit it's rather nice. One is a taller scruffy looking guy that's probably in his mid to late twenties. He's been doing lots of house work and it shows in his pain doused clothing. The second is a guy who reminds me, in appearance, of Quin. He comes and talks to me when he comes in. I'm not really thinking of anything past these mild flirtations but it's fun.
Theater. Opening night for the one acts is tomorrow. I'm very nervous but hopeful that all will go well. My character shoes came in today and this evening my father helped me out by gluing the soft soles onto the bottoms. I know that sounds strange but they're optional on character shoes because one can also gets taps and have tap shoes as well. They should be all set by tomorrow. I've got a flesh-tone bra so that is no longer a problem. I also picked up a black blouse of the style I has originally chosen I think it will do much better under the lights. The sandbags are done for now. I need to sew them shut but the ties will hold for now. I need a night free of theater stuffs.
And now for the good part or at least the best part. My Free. I wish I could explain to everyone how happy I've been, how happy I am. Sure, there was a rough patch but I really needed to get my head on straight about a few things and talk a few things through. It's truly made our relationship much stronger. We talk when we can and that makes me happy. I know he's trying his hardest to show me that he loves me and I know he does. He's given me a reason to hope. To hope that I do stand a chance of someday, having everything I want; that I know I'm not crazy for wanting the life I want. I think of him and my heart sings. This is my joy. To love some one for who they are and to be loved for who I am. It doesn't get any better.
Okay, my eyes are watering up. I'm going to go get things set for tomorrow. It's going to be a long day. I leave home at six fifteen. I'll be at work from nine to six. From there I will be at the theater. Show starts at eight fifteen. The first show is an hour or so. Then it will be Starry Night. Goodnight all!
Anathema
Hey kids! Hope no one missed me too much. Yeah, I know. I can hear the crickets chirping. Nothing much has been going on. Just surreal thoughts of my life, theater stuff, work and... wow. That's sad. I really don't have a life.
Work. Work is going well all in all. Lee is supposed to be leaving tomorrow or Thursday. Molly has left a horrid impression upon him. Olivia is back and is working the floor. She seems to be in a much better frame of mind than she had been but it's early yet. Oh... and the local male high school customers seem to think it's okay to flirt with me. Mrph. Little pains.
Theater. Kris is better. Yay! So I will only be the acting assistant. The downside is that while everyone comes to me for information and everyone knows I am her assistant... there will be no note of that made in the information that the audience gets to see. Oh well. I will be working on sandbags tomorrow for the set. Yay? Our first performance is this Friday. And I just realized that we have a matinee at two on Saturday. Oops, I'll need to get out of work at one. Earlier perhaps. I'll talk to TJ and see what he thinks.
I will be leaving next Thursday (the fifteenth) with Manny to go to Farmington for ACCTFest. Otherwise it'd be a morning drive the next day and neither of us are morning people. Manny's a sweetheart so I don't mind going up with him. I will be bringing the laptop so I will still be in touch with everyone. Oh, there I go showing my geekiness again.
What else? Talking to Free almost every day, even if it's brief, it's rather nice. Though for some reason the days have been moving slower, which makes the periods between hearing his voice stretch out for ages. I've never felt that before and I don't know what to make of it. Speaking of which, tonight is our usual 'date' night but he's working until at least midnight his time. Sooo, I'm going to go nap for a few minutes. Oh yes, and you read that right. He got a job. At an adult shop. Hehe, how amusing.
Before I go, I want to share a link. I'm sure I've mentioned my father dancing before so here are the photos from Saturday's New Comers Show. He's in the first batch of these solo photos. He's the handsome guy in the tux with tails and red vest. I'm so proud of him. The woman he's dancing with is his former instructor, Calie. Her husband is a professional photographer, thus all the photos of her.
G'night all!
Anathema
Well, things are going as well as can be expected with the desktop. I've installed all of the basics and all of the things I have disks for aside from Photoshop. I can do that later. The external drive and burner are both set and linked, the network is up and running and so all should be back to normal soon. The next step will be to see if I can get something to block access to the sites he was getting the bugs from. Oh! I nearly forgot; I got a new wireless router and a card for the laptop so there shouldn't be any more tie-ups around here about people wanting to get online. That and I will be taking the laptop with me to ACCTFest in a couple weeks so I wanted to make sure I had access one way or another.
Hm, what else? Work was work. I finally cleaned all my jewlery so my pentacle and the rest of my silver are nice and shiny once more. I need to work on my notes for Starry Night as it looks like I may become the default stage manager. Kris, the real stage manager, is very ill so I need to be prepared. Hell Sunday is this week. Eek!
I must admit, I've been worried about Free. His dad died in the hospital a few days ago, on my poor love's birthday actually. I know he didn't have a relationship with him but maybe that's why I'm concerned for him. But then again, I'm always worried about him over one thing or another so I guess this isn't really anything new. Other than worrying for him, nothing has changed recently really. A letter he wrote the other day really got my attention so I've been modifying much of my own behavior and my communication. I think it will help matters in the long run and that's very important to me.
And... that's it. I'm trying to work on this diet of mine and I think I'm doing okay. The next person to offer me sweets, however, may die. I need to hop in the shower so I will be ready for the early morning, so goodnight kids! Be good while I'm away.
Anathema
[Radio Edit]: It works! Mwahahaha! I can now roam through the house and be uber comfortable. The only down side is that I cannot fix this system's sound problem. I need to talk my father into taking it back to work and getting it foxed by their techie as he had admin controls on this.
sometimes i cry because i can't think of anything else to do and do so until i fall asleep
sometimes i feel selfish beyond reason and feel like i just don't have enough
sometimes i am so fragile that anything will break me, even the weakest sigh
sometimes i feel cold and alone, separate from every thing and everyone one
sometimes i just want to be held and told i'll be okay
sometimes i feel that once a week hurts more than nothing
sometimes i just need to hear a voice but cry because i know i wont
sometimes i am hurt too easily by the people i love
sometimes i wonder if i'm doing the right thing
sometimes i get tired of being strong but i fear my own weakness
sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had jumped
sometimes i fall apart
sometimes my life frustrates me to a breaking point
sometimes i wonder if i'm not just broken beyond repair
sometimes i wonder if i've ever truly gotten any where or if i'm still under water
sometimes i wonder what would have happened if andrew got what he wanted
sometimes i don't know what to say because i fear saying the wrong thing
sometimes i wonder what it would be like to run away
sometimes i fear that i've completely fucked up every thing, including me
sometimes i fear that i will lose every thing
sometimes i want to take a shovel to my co-workers
sometimes i want to use a cattle prod on bad parents who let their daughters dress like whores
sometimes i have the urge to tell people exactly what i think of them
sometimes i think that the garbage lyrics were right "i wish i had a metal heart..."
sometimes i just can't smile because it hurts to
sometimes talking causes more pain than silence
sometimes i need more than even i'm aware of or that i am brave enough to say
mercury in retrograde always, always fucks me up even when i don't remember that it's retrograde
I need to go to bed. I need to make myself sleep. I just hope I feel better in the light of day.
Anathema
Well kids, I have fifteen minutes to write this out unless I manage to cheat and sign up for the following session. I won't hold my breath. I'm Los Alamos for Starry Night rehearsals tonight. I'm looking forward to it, the pulled muscle from Sunday night was a wake up call that I need to get back into shape. I'm not overweight - if only by five or ten pounds, oh well - just out of shape. I wouldn't mind joining Curves but I don't like what's being done with the money made by the company. I may look into getting some work out equipment for home, free weights if nothing else. Or something to help me actually get a tummy I like, such as a flat one. Yes, Free, I can hear you from here. I promise.
What else? I stayed up last night and talked until insane hours with Free. I got nothing done this morning as I slept through it but that's okay, it was worth it. Staying up with him is always worth it. My mind has been swirling around some of the things we spoke about last week and I feel as though I can do nothing but smile. I feel as though I won't have to give up on some things that I had, at one time, wanted. I feel as though I may have been given a chance to have what I want and I'm happy for that because I always felt that following my heart would be worth it in the end. It's going to be. It's all theoretical and that's what makes me even happier. I tend to freak out when people start planning things as "musts" that far ahead. Life just doesn't work like that. Things like that have lead to only heartache and I don't ever want to see him sad again. I never want to hear him cry ever again, it's the most heart breaking thing I have ever heard. I want to treasure him as much as I know how and for as long as he will allow me to. He always calls me his "Sweet One" but I always feel as though I could never be sweet enough, compassionate enough, there enough. I love him and I love him for all that he is, all that he has been all that he can be and all that he ever will be. Every day I wake up more amazed. I love you my sweet darling Free.
What else? Because I'm trying not to get emotional here at the library. I have seven minutes left. After that I am going to go to Starbucks or maybe go find some dinner. I may walk by the Japanese place here in town and see what time they start serving dinner. Sushi sounds kinda tasty right now. So does tempura. Mmmm. And there I was, a moment ago, talking about getting into shape. Well, I do eat right, really. I eat balanced meals, I swear. And if they're not open in enough time I'll have to rethink my ideas. I've got a notebook, news paper, MP3 player and The Plauge so that should be enough to keep me entertained. I hope. From there, rehearsal is at seven. I will be busy back stage, making sure of how things are going to be set out and what all I will be doing. It sounds like I will be doing a lot of light work too so that's pretty damn nifty. Yay for geekiness that knows no bounds! Mwahahahaha!
Gaaaah! My stalker. Okay, so he's not really my stalker but the man freaks me out. He's been following me for about six years now. When I was dating Rowan, he sent me a rose for Valentine's Day. He's... got some developmental issues. (Yay for tact!)
Okay, my time is about to run out. Goodnight kids! If anything comes up, I will write when I get home.
Anathema.
