22 posts tagged “life”
I wish there was a way to put a big red sash across my page saying that I was on a hiatus. That would make things so very much easier, ne? Well, either way that's how it's going to be for a while. Each year I take some time out just for me to find a balance. It's a saving grace and has kept my bio-polar disorder at bay for four years now.
Lately I've been running from one end to the other without much success to speak of. I've got emails at OKC that I keep telling myself I'll answer. I've got emails at my gmail account I need to answer. I've got a business website for my family apiary that I need to work on. I've got the accounts I need to update. I've got this poor ignored that I've not updated in ages. Yet at the moment, I feel almost overwhelmed by all of this. It reminds me of my car wrecks. And like the first one, I am getting out to take a deep breath and clear the air.
One: Free is on a vacation/road trip with his primary. While I miss him horribly, I know this is a good thing for everyone. They have time together that they need and I have time to get some sleep (okay, I admit it... I haven't gotten shit for sleep since his trip started), get some cleaning done as well as write. I've got a lot of thoughts running through my mind and I need to find a way to get it all down.
Two: My bedroom is a disaster. I've been pulling things out of every box, drawer and what-have-you to get all the useless rat-packed bullshit out. I've even set aside a few things to sell on Ebay (look for anathema.untamed). I also need to move my furniture. That and I am hoping to raise enough funds to get a VIP ticket for the Bernadette Peters concert on September first. The tickets are about two fifty and I don't really want to use any of my normal funds to do this.
Three: The office is looking a bit messy again. It won't take but an hour but I need to just buckle down and do it.
Four: My bathroom. I've been pricing new vanities and the like so, hopefully, in the next week or two I'll be starting to renovate my tiny bathroom into something more livable. I need to clean out this room as well and get rid of all the shampoos that wrecked my hair. Note: Pantene kills my hair. Bastards.
And there's still so much. I need to start my weekly hikes come hell or high water. I need to start (continue, really) eating better so I can get myself back down to a comfortable weight. Most say I'm not overweight and that it's just muscle. Well, most of it is but not all. It's not like I'm looking to lose some crazed amount, only about ten pounds or so.
So here I go. I'll be back in a week or so probably more. To anyone awaiting emails of any kind... sorry. It's not that I'm a bitch. I've just been overwhelmed by life. I'll be back when when I'm walking this tightrope a little better.
Anathema
Hey kids. Just want to let you all know that I'm alive. A lot has been going on and, to be honest, I've been far too restless to sit in front of a computer for long. So... here's this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkbG1PfAgrY I'll embed it once YouTube gets the thing in its index.
Anathema
Well, it's pretty busy here and while I finally have something to write about (okay, lots of somethings to write about), I've not much time. So. I'm going to share an article from the Santa Fe Reporter and the letter I wrote to the editor in response And yes, my letter got published. Yay. The article can be found here. My response was the following:
LIVING IN FEAR?
Upon reading “Wi-Fried” [Outtakes, May 16], I was caught somewhere between giggling and disappointment. Every new piece of technology that mankind attaches itself to is always going to be lambasted by reactionary outbursts. That doesn’t mean, however, that it never stops being ridiculous each and every time. Televisions, microwaves, computers, cell phones and even the automobile were subject to an uneducated outcry.
So, do we run screaming one way or another? Here’s a novel idea: Why not check up on all the studies? Why not wait until they come out and then maybe we’ll know one way or another. How about we find something moderate to sit with before we start screaming that everything is going to kill us?
Before I sit and spend God knows how much time listening to someone tell me that something is good or bad for me, I want to know just what their educational background is so maybe I have a fighting chance to get unbiased information. Does this man, Firstenberg, have the knowledge to back himself up or is it merely overblown concern and conspiracy theories?
(Enter Real Name Here)
(Enter City Here)
I must say, I was rather amused my letter made it in. Anyway, I've got an early morning so I'm going to go shower. G'night kids! Maybe one day I'll sit down long enough to get a real entry up.
Anathema
Because I'm a slacker...
Here I sit in my silk ritual robe because my terry-clothe bathrobe has finally died. I've tried to go to bed who knows how many times but I can't seem to do it. My stomach is aching as I've not had dinner but the mere thought of food is making me feel even worse. My head is spinning with a million thoughts and most are things I don't want to think about. Most are too bloody negative. I don't like that one bit. I don't like being negative. I'd much rather be happy, optimistic. I liked being some one who could see the good in everything. Right now I'm feeling hard-pressed to see the lighter side of the sun. The dark side of the moon is about where I'm at.
I want to talk to some one right now. But I don't think I will. I just don't know if that's a good thing or bad. With my trip only nine or so days away... timing couldn't be any worse. Yeah, it's true... when you love some one you give them the right to hurt you. And right now I'm feeling... hurt, confused and rather lost. It's not like it's something horrific. It's not earth shattering. I'm an adult and I'll work through it just fine. I just don't know what to do because, to be honest, today was the first day I've had my optimism so shredded. I try to see the good in everything because I know there's always good to be had. I try to see the good intentions because I believe that intentions are everything. I can forgive almost anything if I know the intentions were good. I hate seeing people dig into themselves. It reminds me of... me. And I know it's not healthy. It scares me because it's like viewing part of my past and not being able to do a damn thing about it.
But maybe this helpless feeling... maybe this is good. Because right now I really can't do a damn thing. All I can do is stand outside. All I can do is say "You're good enough" and hope that I'm heard. All I can do is wait. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pitch a tent and wait it out because I refuse to do anything less though I wish I could do something more.
So, I'm going to go curl up in my tent and hope I can sleep until the sun comes out again. Before I go, I will share with you a song from CD I almost forgot I had. Her name is Sinead Lohan and she's a wonderful Irish singer/songwriter. This is from her second (and last CD), No Mermaid. The track is titled Don't I Know. Music drives me, feeds me. It makes my soul dance.
Anathema
Hm, day started out just fine. Give or take. Truck died last night. Got home late. Picked up rental this morning. Picked up new dog, Lilly. Tried to be decent. Got stomped on. Realized that being nice is getting me nothing. Went to Walmart. Got home. Home now. Shit mood.
You know... I'm just finding myself in too foul of a mood tonight to really want to type out much or just deal with anyone. So, it'd probably be advisable for everyone to just leave me the hell alone for a few days. It won't be pretty. I'm feeling anything but nice. I'm feeling downright bitchy. Consider this fair warning.
Anathema
I'm finding myself feeling restless tonight and it's driving me mad. I'm sure it's not helping that I've just printed out all my flight information from the American Airlines site. Just shy of two hundred twenty for round trip tickets. That means that because of packaging it all together, I an only paying about thirty-thirty per night (and that's with taxes and fees) at the hotel for a seven night stay. Thank you Priceline. I am thoroughly impressed. Maybe that's what's making me restless. Oh well.
Spoke to Free this morning at obscene hours. Poor love, he's finally winding down from everything and I do hope he gets the rest he truly needs. He was too sleepy to keep it up long so I made sure he got off to bed and we agreed that we'd talk tonight.
I've decided that I will no longer celebrate the Easter Bunny, rather the Easter Monkey. What decided this? A cute monkey plushie that I saw at Starbucks in a pile of other bits. I think it's much more amusing. Besides, he's got thumbs to actually help him hand out the eggs. Doesn't that make more sense? Of course it does. You'll help, won't you? Of course you will!
What else? I spent the evening booking a flight for my grandmother to fly out from Fresno to Cedar Rapids at the end of May to go see her sister and her hundred year old aunt. It was pure insanity. She's damn near deaf and is horrid at making decisions. Thankfully, it's booked and all set. I know it sounds strange but I made sure to get her on American because that places her layover at DFW. Give me all the weird looks you want but it makes me feel better that if some thing goes wrong -knock on wood- there is some one I trust closer to their than I can be. But she's all set. Now I get to look up hotels and cab fares tomorrow. Thrilling.
I went up to Los Alamos and picked up my final check. I didn't say a word and for good reason. I don't want to say what I'm thinking as I wish to remain on a better level than them. Simple but honest. From there I went to the bank and cashed the check. I was a woman on a mission. Then mail and Starbucks (yes, it was a chai... >.<).
Next stop? The shelter. I went and saw the malamute mix I had seen on Sunday and had been thinking about since. I had to get her. She needed to come home with me. She even came out to her outside area and put her paws up on the fence when she saw me coming. I took her for a walk and she was great! She's only eleven months old so she's still got a puppy mind-set. She's very smiley, happy and very curious which are all wonderful things. She's taken a great liking for me which is even better. I went in, filled in the paper work and they got things started while I went back to the house to get Allie and Igor. They wanted to make sure everyone would get along. And they did! They all sniffed, wagged and the new pup even play-bowed for Allie. This is going to be fantastic. So... I paid for her and her rabies shot. She will be getting fixed and so I will be picking her up Friday afternoon. I admit that I am very excited about this. I know it seems sudden but when I saw her, I knew I was doing the right thing. I may drop by and see her tomorrow so I can get a photo to share with everyone. I'm working on a name but I think I'm close to something.
What else? Just more cleaning. And that was my day. Isn't it just thrilling? Heh. Anyway, I'm going to go curl up until I hear from Free. Goodnight kids!
Anathema
Well, today was useless but that's okay. Papa took the truck this morning so that means I was left here at the house. I was able to get my bedding washed (the comforter is in the dryer at this moment), got started on cleaning the back building, painted three hive boxes and... well.. yeah, that was it. The back building was so foul that I had to wear a mask just to be safe. Ick!
So... tomorrow. I am hoping to get up to Los Alamos. I need to pick up my last check and see if I can get into the theater so that I may get my MP3 player because I was a dolt and left it there Saturday night. I will be calling the shelter about that dog I saw. She goes up for adoption tomorrow and I admit that I've been thinking about her. I may call them when they open and ask them to hold her for me. I want to see what the other two think of her before I make a decision. Something about this little dog seemed to latch onto me. Okay so she's a Malamute/Shepard mix but I have a habit of calling all dogs little dogs. It's habit.
I also need to work on some graphics for a layout. I was working on some last night and my mind just kept wandering. I ended up creating something of a modern triple-goddess. Truly, when I was done I was reminded of the Moirae (the Norns as well, really). So I titled it thus.
Well, I'm going to go check on laundry and find something to do to amuse myself while I await Free for our usual Tuesday night date. G'night kids!
Anathema
It's going to be a long day. But things can only get better. At least that's what I am hoping. It really doesn't have much farther down to go from here anyway. Here I sit, typing and being talked at by Squall. Silly little mush.
Tuesday. Went to work as per usual but feeling sullen. The specter of losing Bear was hanging over my head rather heavily. Sitting in the truck, waiting for work, Papa stopped by with the EMR truck. He had news. The matriarch of a family we've been friends with for a long time has been diagnosed as having a brain tumor behind her right eye and it's pushing against her brain. Now, I've got a mixed basket of feelings on this. I want her to get better, don't think I don't. It's just hard to get warm and fuzzy about a woman who gives me harsh looks whenever she sees me. Papa adores her and calls her mom so he's taking it very hard. She and her husband are convinced that it is a curse placed upon her by witches (known as brujas around here) that just happen to be the sisters of her husband. These are very, very, very religious folks and I can respect that. I won't tell them where I am in the theological tree because I don't want to cause any hardships... but. It's hard to listen to people talk about witches being horrible, evil people. I hate the stereotype with a passion and would spend the rest of my life trying to correct it if I could. Oh well. I went to a local church called the Santuario de Chimayo. It's a beautiful place and has a remarkable history. I got some holy water and holy dirt for her and gave them to her a couple days ago.
He left and wasn't sure if he could get Bear into the vets office. I called and asked him, again, to make sure he took her in. Making Bear suffer was making me sick to my stomach. In time, we spoke and he assured me he would take her in. After lunch I cracked. I was in tears about Bear and quietly requested that I be able to leave when my father came to pick up the truck. I was allowed. Four o'clock came along and I had not heard anything nor seen him, so I called. He was all ready off the hill and on his way in. I expressed my disappointment and he agreed that he would wait for us at the clinic. I got my mother and we left as soon as Yvette was back from her break.
It was a heartbreaking experience. Walking in, I saw Papa holding a motionless Bear. As I walked up, he finally cracked and burst into tears. He apologized through the tears, stating that he thought he was strong enough. I hugged him and cried with him. A few moments later, the vet came out and lead us into a room. We all stood with Bear as she lay on her side upon the table.
I'm sorry, I find that even writing about it is making me cry write now. Maybe it's good that these things aren't timed. This is going to take me a while.
I held her head and stroked her. She remained wrapped in towels, hiding the fact that she had pretty much destroyed the outer side of the growth and her front was covered in blood and other... things. We all spoke to her, thanking her. It was quick. Painless. She moved a little bit when she was pricked by the main needle. She was gone very quickly. They left me alone with her. I cried with her and thanked her for being such an amazing dog. I prayed aloud, asking my patronesses to watch over her, guide her to the others. In time, Papa came back in. We cried and eventually walked away, leaving her there. They'll call him when the ashes are ready. I couldn't bury her here, this isn't home.
From there, we went home so that I could change. We then went to the Santuario, only yo find they were not open. Saying goodbye to the horse in the paddock beside the path, we left.
Wednesday. My day off. I had spent all night talking to Free so slept in. Thank you Free, it helped more than you know. I spent the day at home, resting, coughing. I went back up for the Starry Night rehearsal. We had a pretty good time though because we had a new light person to train on the cues, we couldn't goof off as much as we would have liked.
Thursday. Went to work. After about an hour and a half, I was called into the office by an overly cheerful Harold. When I got in, there was Finley and the owner. To make a long story short, they fired me. I have been accused of slander via hear-say and, of all things, this very journal. I know, now, how they found the journal. Fact is, they're probably going to read this. I don't care. I've never said anything that wasn't either fact or items spoken as my opinion. They also sited the fact that I read books and write when I am without a customer. There are no rules against this, especially as I had the reputation amongst customers as being their best cashier. Leaving the office, I was laughing and commented that perhaps it was only coincidence that I'd been reading Animal Farm and 1984. I don't think they got it. Not that I'd think they would.
I returned an hour later to request all the paperwork involving my dismissal and was told by Harold that there was no paperwork nor would my signature be required. I nodded and stated that I would be back for the paperwork. I left. I spent the day wandering and getting a few items from a shop downtown. Was given the number of a gentleman at the labor board.
Friday. Woke up and went down to Santa Fe to pick up some honey to tide the hives over. From there, had breakfast at IHOP. It was okay but nothing to write home about. Stopped by Jackalope and saw the prarie dogs. Needed to stop anyway because my stomach was raging at me like some wild thing. Called the man at the labor board and left a message. Went back to the Santuario. Got holy dirt and holy water. Got home, showered and went to the theater.
Saturday. Had a nice quiet day. Spent time with Papa. Did things around the house. Had breakfast with Papa and ended up selling lots and lots of honey. Good grief that man could be a car salesman. Went to the theater and did our closing night. Went to the after-party and had a great time! Stayed a little past midnight, leaving with an upset Papa. He was fine later though.
Sunday. Relaxed. Cleaned. Bottled Honey. Left U.F.F.D.U.H. because of scheduling conflicts and stress. Was going to go to Albq with Papa to see a group of old friends from the Navy but he went by himself. So I did housework and finally got things done that have been left undone for far too long. Went to the shelter to get a feel for how I'm going to be able to handle a new dog. I must admit, I saw a malamute mix there that I really like. She was sweet. I may call back today and see if she's up for adoption yet. Purchased my tickets for my Texas trip. Yay! I'll be gone from the 17th until the 24th. Yay!
And today? I'm going to finish this, shower, get dressed and get out the door. The man from the labor board called. It sounds like he can help so I'm heading down to Santa Fe to meet with him. So... yeah... that's it. What a week!
Anathema
[Radio Edit]: I almost forgot! I was going to share this:
I know I should have written quite a while ago. I know. I know. To be honest, I've just felt too antsy to just sit here and type. There's been a lot going on and it's been a packed week. I'll try to go day by day.
Monday. Went to the emergency room at the Los Alamos hospital. I was having massive breathing problems. Couldn't take a normal breath without coughing. It was only getting worse. So. Checked in at seven forty that morning. They got me in immediately. I went through a battery of tests and other crap.
At first I was given a breath test. It was low, so they listened to my breathing. Then they took E.K.G. reading. This happened twice because the doctor thought the first reading was a mistake. It was not. The nurse came in and gave me Tylenol 3 with codeine when that was over. I was then given a nebulizer to help me breath. That was a strange sensation and made me feel cold all over. When it was done, they gave me another breath test. This one was scary-low. My heart rate was still high so after they gave me some chest xrays (while still on the hospital bed), they put on a monitoring machine so they could watch my heart rate. It was hitting the triple digits - 121 at it's top - so I was made to just lay there and even sleep if I needed to. The doctor came in and was still worried about my heart so she said that we would get a CAT scan done if they couldn't figure out why it was so high. But first they would take blood to see if that was really even needed. After what seemed like forever, they came back and said my blood was okay. This made me feel a little better as I'd been panicking. I know it's irrational but I always freak out about blood tests since the rape. They let me rest and when my heart rate back into the nineties, they let me go. Just so you know, my heart right is normally in the high fifties. I was diagnosed with bronchitis but was told that since I caught the signs early, I wouldn't have a problem. I got a prescription for Tylenol 3 with codeine, an albuterol inhaler and a three day treatment of antibiotics. It was eleven ten. Went home and slept through most the day, outside of my phone calls with Free.
Tuesday. Did not go to work. Stayed home. Used inhaler on two different occasions when I found that I could not breath. Went batty just sitting in the house. Fed Bear. Played games. Called in to work to let Harold know what was going on. He was an ass and demanded that I bring in a note from my doctor saying I was healthy when I came back on Thursday. Upon telling him that I had gone to the ER and getting a note would be impossible he said that I still had to get one and promptly hung up. Bastard. Stayed up late talking to Free as Tuesday nights are our 'date' nights.
Wednesday. That was my normal day off. Continued to stick around the house. Didn't go to rehearsal as I didn't want to get anyone ill and really wasn't feeling up to it anyway. Woke with a screaming, stomach churning headache. This went away in time but only in the late afternoon. Went to Santa Fe with Papa in the early evening to get new cell phones for the both of us. Much to my chagrin we did a two for one deal. I may go back for the phone I want later. At the moment it is an LG VX8300. It's okay but I'm not a fan of LG. He went to class while I finished the deal. We also picked up blue tooth headsets for each of us. I went to Starbucks to wait for him and in the process, my head started to throb again. On the way home it was so bad that we had to pull over because I felt as though I would throw up. I'd never had a migraine so bad in my life.
Thursday. Went to work. Didn't feel as good as I should have. It was an uneventful day all in all. Harold never said a thing to me about the doctors. It's just as well, he had no grounds to be such a shit about it on Tuesday and I think he knew it.
Friday. Work. Yes, isn't my life exciting? Still didn't feel good. Molly almost had something thrown at her by me. I stated that I liked the cold and she said "Well, I didn't mind the cold either when I was overweight." Bitch. Overweight, my ass. I'm still in better shape than her. Ggggrrrrr. Had a performance so I went straight from work to the theater. Had a problem backstage. Used the inhaler because I like to breath. Big mistake, my heart rate started to soar. After the performance, Manny grabbed my arm, walked me off stage and straight to my father. He insisted I go home and rest. I did just that outside of a brief phone call in the early am from Free.
Saturday. Felt a little better. Went to work. Wanted to beat the ever-loving shit out of Molly for her rude comments. Explained situation to both Yuri and Yvette later. Went to the theater. Backstage I was introduced to Evie's son. Oh. My. Gods. The man is gorgeous! Just because of that, I almost stayed for the after-party. I couldn't stay. Damn. Oh well. The performance went well outside of a couple minor glitches. Went home and called it a night.
Sunday. Slept in. Tried to anyway. My father came in, woke me up and announced that Bear wasn't eating, wasn't walking well and we could assume that she wouldn't last. Great. What a way to wake up. Needless to say, I spent most of my day crying. Even thinking about this is making my eyes water. I've made a decision though: Bear will be going in this week. Papa will be taking care of the details because I know I cannot. But I cannot allow her to continue suffering. Thankfully I am talking to Free while I'm typing so it's really helping me. I went to Blockbuster and picked up a few movies - Aeon Flux, Superman Returns & Man of the Year. Also went to Wal-hell. Ick.
So... I'm going to go curl up in bed and continue talking to Free. My stomach is churning but that's to be expected, though Free is really helping me feel better by taking my mind off of the Bear issue. Goodnight kids!
Anathema
